Chapter One of Reality bites back

Chapter One

I won’t lie and pretend I know all the strategies of how to survive rabid fan girls especially the ones we like to call twilight retards. Because really, if you have the insane notion that a fictional character, let alone a fictional being it is time to ask yourself the important question. Was I ever dropped on my head as a baby? Did they drop me lots or like push me down a flight of stairs? Or did darling mother smoke pot, tobacco, ‘shoot up’ and get a little too drunk every day for the approximate 9 months she was pregnant with me? Or maybe I’m just another test-tube baby made in a dirty test tube? You never know. It could one of these, all of these if your mother ingested said test-tube or just a majority of them.

Now, attacks, they make us feel threatened as they should otherwise defeating the purpose of an attack. What’s an attack if it does not threaten or at least attempt to instill fear into someone? A joke? Oh haha, hilarious jokes guys. When everyone hops onto the metaphorical bandwagon for various fads it’s always a bad sign for those of us lucky enough to have semi-normal parents who wrapped us in bubble wrap so when dropped our precious little heads and brains did not get altered into a freakishly weird one as exhibited by fan girls around the world. Fads are dangerous; they create rabid fan girls usually teenage girls. Who are at their most vulnerable, playing the part of a depressed, needy maiden who needs rescuing by none other than a fictional, perfect prince.

We all need to repeat this very true and EASY mantra: “fiction is not REAL” by repeating this we can make sure we will be less likely if not immune to falling into the rabid fan girl lusting over a fictional man stereotype. Yes, we all know they’re perfect, romantic everything a guy should be but the whole point of their perfection is to raise our standards of men and give them something to try and improve about themselves resulting in what is known to be Valentines Day. But it’s feministic of authors or authoress’ as they were previously known to create unrealistic expectations, men are accused of doing the same thing but about women. Now we jump down their throats while secretly planning our latest diet and exercise regime and complain about the unfairness of it all. Take a step back, take a deep breath and give poor males a chance to prove themselves as half-decent in most respects. Let your unrealistic fictional ideals go, after all most romance stories are just used to make us feel good, give us hope that we too will find a “rugged, dark, tall, handsome stranger with washboard abs” to come along with his brains and caring nature to sweep us off our feet and take us away to some castle and steal what many call “our most precious gift”, our virginity.

Stop believing the bollocks, learn about this simple thing called reality and start living life. You know you’ve reached rabid fan girl status (or rabid fan boy status as the case can be) when you are delusional and have the false belief that if you, jump out of or off of various tall buildings/ infrastructures your fictional love (forever and ever and ever because you two are SOULMATES) will appear out of nowhere and stop you from plunging to your doom and breaking numerous bones in your body. Many people would be pleased to know that there are less fans to be afraid and wary of as they display their anti-fad gear proudly, however, I believe fans are simply misguided retards, who, through no fault of their own fell into a fad trap and seem to believe such radical, impossible things like vampires sparkle and are no longer the “scary” creatures you believed them to be when watching movies like Van Helsing or League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. No, because to you, those images of vampires are unrealistic and FALSE, vampires, are and always have been gorgeous creatures with the stealth of panthers, the allure of a sexy perfume and model, the appeal of something you know you shouldn’t have and most importantly these vampires SPARKLE, they are faceted creatures designed to sparkle in the sun not burn as the rest of humanity OBVIOUSLY believes them to do. They do not shirk away from religious icons and as you all know, religion and the Church have been lying to you for all these years. Vampires are capable of living fulfilling, happy lives with their one true soul mates despite THEIR OWN CLAIMS of being dangerous killing machines. Now, really, if you were a machine you are incapable of feeling emotions that is correct yes? Yes. So therefore without emotion there is no love and without emotion there is no love. Love we all know, is the root of soul mate-dom. Something that somehow is managed by the vampires of what is now considered contemporary literature.